Adulthood approaches as independence is gained.
This thought, in some form or other, threads through my mind at certain moments in the day. It illuminates my future, like a light, dimming or brightening, becoming more or less apparent.
I always feel lost. A multitude of questions form in front of me:
What if my plane arrives late?
What if I get lost in the city and there's no one to help me?
What if there's nowhere to sleep, and I'm condemned to the sidewalk?
What if........what if I'm not grown-up enough to handle the challenges of a world without structure, a world in which I must rely on my own instincts and knowledge to get by?
It's in these moments of despair that I realize the absurdity and utter necessity of my journey to Cambodia.
Absurd--I'm an 18 year old who's confronting a world in which no English is spoken, a world in which I could cry "Help! Fire!" on a crowded street and not one person would understand me, a world in which I could get malaria in my sleep, a world in which one step off the nice, country path could result in my limbs being blasted on the rice paddies.
Necessary--I'm an 18 year old who needs to bite into the amorphous world--full force--because I still have these fears of inadequacy. I'm jumping out of a plane with nothing but a parachute. The only difference is that this parachute is made up of intangible material--a hard work ethic, a sense of adventure and, most importantly, my god-given common sense.
My parents made the paint. Now I must paint the picture.
You want to know something? I worry about jumping out of that metaphorical plane, or painting that picture every day. It's been a long time coming, but something happens around your 18th birthday, people tell you that you're an adult, but being a newcomer to the world of adults, you have no idea what you're doing, and that frightens you. Or at least, that's what normally happens. You, however, will be fine, because you control the circumstances of your coming-of-age: you chose to take a year off, to go to Cambodia, to work at an NGO. You will become an adult on your own terms, and you probably won't notice that you have until long after it happens. :)
ReplyDeleteBest of luck growing up, Ben!